I fell asleep listening to music again...

And that got me thinking... I've never been able to describe my perfect man, but I think I finally have it:

Kinda brilliant, right?

Walkie TAAQies

Like so many of my thoughts, this one started with me listening to some music.

In this case, the trigger was TAAQ. 

I had the urge to listen to this Bangalore based Alt rock band's music this afternoon and I didn't have any of their albums on my computer, so I logged on to their website to stream their music. It had been a while since I did and reading through their updated content I realised they have a strong connection to Bangalore and their identity and music strongly revolves around the city. However, I'd not heard of them pre 2008 and never had any Bangalore connection except a few friends who lived there and only visited them once. I had a limited connection to the indi rock music scene in India till then. I was more of a mainstream music person.

Then in 2008, I met Praveen. The quintessential Bangalore boy. Software, bikes, music and guitar. Needless to say, we were fond of each other... for a while. And then a year later we weren't. Eventually when the smoke of a burnt relationship clears and the dust settles, one doesn't remember the person but the charred impression of the value they added to your life. Undoubtedly, music was the most important part of his contribution to mine. He introduced me to the indi rock music scene. To blues rock, indi and mainstream. To places where all the shows took place before high spirits and blue frog, many of which closed down not too much after that. To bands like Soulmate and TAAQ and so many of their live performances. 

On my part, I introduced him to musicians, bands and music I knew, and together we were this repository of rich, curiously amazing music which has the ultimate power to warm up my cold heart in many a dark winter evenings. Too poetic? I'm not waxing eloquent, it really does.

No, I don't miss him. But I miss the company of someone who can add such kind of a dimension to my life.

And as I listen to 'this is it' by Thermal and a quarter (because apparently they are three mallus and a one who is quarter mallu) I remembered a conversation Praveen, a friends of his called Arindam and I had while we were driving to a very strange local folk-blues-country band gig at Stone water grill. I remember it so vividly because I drew it.

I'm a feminist... But who's asking?

Yes, it depends on who's asking.

So I am your average feminist. One who champions for the cause of equality for all genders without forgetting that men and women are inherently different. Which doesn't mean that both genders can't do the same things, it just means we do the same thing in different ways. Sometimes, it's not just about genders. It depends on a person's temperament.

So I am not your average feminist. One who champions for the cause of equality for all genders without forgetting that men and women are inherently different. Which doesn't mean that both genders can't do the same things, it just means we do the same thing in different ways. Sometimes, it's not just about genders. It depends on a person's temperament.

So it all comes down to the so called 'gender roles.' One is expected to behave in certain ways because it's expected of their genders. We are conditioned. 'It's not lady like'

'Don't cry, sissy.'

Women are never denied expressing emotions since their childhood because they are expected to. 

Men are supposed to be tough! (They will never know how good a solid session of crying feels. Just relieves the stress and tension)

Now we all know where this attitude has come from and hopefully, how we can change it. 

But do we? 

Nah, we just talk.

Inheritance (Or How I started listening to Pearl Jam.)

This was 1998. We were in Delhi. The internet had not yet exploded and we were still learning basic and C (Imagine that!) I could count on my fingers the number of people I knew who owned computers. So our music tastes were greatly dictated by MTv and Channel V. But the Indian Mtv  mostly played pop songs and some mainstream rock (Which were great, btw. I was into it) and fewer alternate stuff. 

But I realised a little later that 90s Alt rock is my real comfort food. started exploring different genres of music in 2001 and by 2005, my music palette had expanded greatly.

My father was a big fan of Pink Floyd, the Police, 70s and 80s disco, Kraftwerk and Paul Anka Among others. My mother was fond of Abba, Boney M and the likes. I had my own preferences in music and our cassette collection had a unique blend of all types of music including hindi film music, Hindi non filmy and Indi-pop. Not to forget a giant collection of mixtapes (Mostly mine)

Somewhere among them were albums my father bought going by the current trends. Apache Indian was one of those and even though I was nine years old that time, I still love songs from his 1993 album - No Reservations.    

Coming back to Mid 1998. We were in Delhi. My father wanted to buy a Pink Floyd album for some reason. I'm assuming he lost or broke his old tape of the same. So one Saturday evening the two of us went to a family owned shop around the corner where their youngest son had set up a small music section. My father asked him for one particular Pink Floyd album. He started a conversation with him about music while I was browsing at the latest pop album collections. That fellow was telling him about this new band my father would like since he was into Pink Floyd. He convinced my him into giving it a listen and he must have listened to it once and placed the cassette back in our ever increasing collection somewhere next to Apache Indian. 

Four years later, I started college and started playing the guitar which exposed me to more genres of music. That same year I realised that the kind of music Nirvana played was called Grunge and that there existed another great grunge band called Pearl Jam.

Pearl Jam.

This unlocked a memory in my mind. I knew I had heard of them. I had even heard their music before. It was the same band whose album my father had bought along with a Pink Floyd album back in 1998! I went home and looked through our cassette collection, and there it was: Pearl Jam's Yield.

Suddenly, I appreciated their music. More importantly, I understood their music. I listened to all their other albums- Ten, Vs., Vitology, No code and Binaural including the recently released Riot act. I've listened to all their music released subsequently. To Eddie Vedder's solo music, their live albums and side projects. I was hooked.

Pearl Jam is to me what Pink Floyd is to my father and Abba to my mother. Even thought I listen to Foo fighters more often, Pearl Jam are still one of my favourite band!

And to this day, Yield - that 1998 album that my father bought eighteen years ago is still my favourite Pearl Jam album of all times.

On a related note: two years ago, I was listening to Apache Indian in the office one afternoon when our then intern Rajalakshmi suddenly asked me who the singer was. I asked her if she had never heard of Apache Indian before and she said she hadn't!

From 2006

It was my friend Laura's birthday yesterday so I texted her. While chatting, she shared this photo of us from ten years ago. 

I was working at the Auroville Earth Institute as a trainee architect and it was mandatory for me to attend the two week CSEB course as a part of my internship. Laura was volunteering for a Pondicherry based NGO to design a school for Tsunami hit areas and decided to do this course while she was there. That's how we met.

The photo features other people who attended the workshop, the director of the Earth Institute and a few other trainees... INCLUDING the guy in the red cap. Whom I had a crush on: The Srilankan

:D :D :D

Time on my hands

A long time ago, I stopped wearing a wrist watch because of a boy. Then realising I need not change for anyone, I started wearing one again. That was my father's old timex I wore ever since he passed away in 2006. A year after that, the strap broke and I stopped wearing any watch because I was in a phase where I refused to accessorise. Didn't help that the fellow I was dating then constantly pushed me into buying an expensive watch to impress clients(?!)

Then a few years after that, I dated a guy much younger than me and he showed me a fake (?!) Victorinox swiss army watch he bought from Indonesia. I loved the design and he said I should keep it. So I did and started wearing it regularly and realised just how much I missed wearing a watch. 

That relationship didn't last too long (obviously). But I continued to wear that watch because I loved it's simple and clean design. I realised that it was the kind of wrist watch I really wanted. Not a digital sports watch or a feminine designer one. Or a colourful casual one. I wanted a simple unisex analog watch that was waterproof with clean lines and a simple form which can go well for any occasion.

So I ordered a black dial Victorinox Swiss Army watch with a metal body and a black leather strap. I love it!

Internship applications

I received this gem of an internship application email recently

 Way to get my attention! Even I don't know what a lot of those words mean...

Sounded like a normal person on the phone. I really would have liked to hire him as an intern but unfortunately, due to my current circumstance I prefer hiring an intern who is in their 9th/10th sem. Or is an architect already. Too bad for me, because his work is quite good! 

And then two days later I get this: 

An absolutely amazing application full of (assumably accidental) alliteration. I am loving this!

Dessau

Ethos India organises a quiz for students of architecture every year and a few years ago they started one for professionals as well. My former teacher and boss Abhijit De and I decided to team up and participate this year so I started to prepare for it.  Reading about art nouveau and modernism reminded me of a hilarious story; though hilarious only in retrospect!

It starts in 2003 when I was in my second year of architecture college and was preparing to be a part of my college delegation to the annual National Association of Students of Architecture (NASA) meet. That year, a college in Hyderabad was hosting the competition and the theme for it was 'DESSAU'

I told my father that and he asked me (with seriousness and the slightest bit of suspicion) - 'why would anyone want to name it Dessau?'

Now, just to give you a background, Dessau is a place in Germany which holds the utmost relevance for us Architects as it was the site for the relocated prestigious 'Bauhaus school' which was one of the pioneering places for modernism in architecture, art and craft to grow and proliferate. So understandably, I was super thrilled, while my father seemed to have some serious reservations about it. We were at odds... I explained to him as to why I thought Dessau was a very good idea for a theme for a gathering of said nature and he told me why he thought it wasn't... 

A career military man that he was (also a huge military nerd) my father told to me that Dessau was an important base for the Nazis during WW-II and also the site of a large concentration camp. And something about an important battle towards the end of the war which I can remember nothing of. 

What I can remember is that none of us spoke for a few minutes... Till I asked for money for my train ticket to Hyderabad and back, which he handed to me promptly.

And this was just one of our typical military dad - architect daughter conversations. 

If you're wondering about the quiz, we finished at a respectable third position with a prize money of twenty thousand rupees in our kitty!

My father would have said 'Good. Just wish you'd have dressed better for the event'

No complaints there...!

Soulmates- maybe. Maybe not...

Never expected his call, but it tickled my soul. I wanted to meet him, and I'm guessing he felt the same. So as menacingly as possible, challenged me to a mini cycle race. I wanted to beat him. But I didn't know how fast he was. So I accepted on the condition that we wouldn't race. The ride was supposed to be to the airport and Vohuman cafe for breakfast. We rode, we talked and clearly I was way faster than him. So I asked him to get his bike seat raised so the posture would help him ride better. I offered to let him ride my bike for a bit. He took it.

At Vohuman, we ate and talked and drank tea. I loved our conversation. Just a matter of a few months and we were together. And both wanted to buy new bikes. 

So we decided to go to the bike shop one fine march evening. I arrived to find him already there making conversation effortlessly with someone. We hung out there with one of the owners who showed us bikes and his new tattoo. We test rode our cycles. I knew which one I wanted. He was undecided. 

It was getting dark and the streetlights were on and the conversation was flowing when the shop owner just said 'It's great that you both want to get bikes together...'

'...Like brother sister bikes...' 

And we both looked at each other and then him. He realised he made a faux pas, and tried some damage control

'Oh... Friend bikes then...?

'

'Yes...' We were both fine with that.

Two weeks later I bought my bike. 

A year and a half later we broke up.

He never bought his bike.

It's been more than four years since we were called siblings. And although I don't care for him as I used to, I think of him sometimes. And the brother and sister bikes that we never had. 

It usually makes me smile.

And usually makes me listen to melancholic songs. Like this one:

The Matrix vs Everlong!

I've seen the music video of Foo Fighters 'Everlong' by Michel Gondry many times till date. I've analysed the visual, aesthetic, low key, metaphorical and not to forget the mischievous and high concept yet slight absurdity of it all. But it wasn't until today that suddenly out of the blue, I realised that the video is like the most brilliant version of the 'The Matrix' by the Wachowski siblings!

Let me demonstrate by the clever use of certain strategically taken video screenshots:

Trinity and Taylor... Both fighting the bad guys...but need Neo and Dave's help...

Neo and Dave both mess up before realising they aren't who they think they really are...

Neo and Dave in the club!

THE BADDIES...!!!

Neo and Dave both wake up from Nightmares and take *the* call...

A brick wall instead of an exit... well well well....

The baddies transform...!

Okay... there's a bit of a mix-up here...

That moment when Neo and Dave finally believe!

Neo and Dave get aggressive and ready to fight anything or anyone!

Neo and Dave fight the baddies... swift and easy!

Neo and Dave get good with their guns!

BADDIES DESTROYED!

Additional observations:

'M' is for Matrix! (Also, looks more like a hand painted Motorola logo...)

Watch the 'Everlong' video here: 

Bare-feet.

This day last week, I went to the tekdi with Pooja after work to take a walk under lovely skies which changed form every five minutes!

It had rained, so the earth was wet and kept sticking to our sandals so much so that we couldn't walk properly. Walking barefoot was the only option. Mud caked sandals in hand, we started walking towards the Hanuman tekdi, with our feet covered with a thick sole of mud. We had a lovely walk to the Mandir and back!

 Beautiful day!

I'm having a FUN moment

FUCK  U  NOSTALGIA*

*Sans serif. will see you in Helvetica

No kidding

I am 30 years old. Soon to be 31. Also, surrounded by friends and acquaintances who either have had/going to have/are planning to have children soon. 

I am not one of them. Needless to say, I'm not even married. Not even about to be. Not even planning yet.

I've often found asking my self if I wanted children. And most of the times, the answer is 'No'. I always thought I would be one to possibly adopt a child. Then one day at my friend's new born's barsa, another friend who was vehemently opposed to having children asked me if I was ever going to. I said I wasn't. But instantly added 'Accidentally ho gaya toh... I don't know.'

Sure it was funny and all, but it got me thinking. What did I really want? To have a child or to not have a child. I am, for sure- not at all comfortable at the thought carrying a child in me and giving birth, but then I'm sure no one really is. 

What I am afraid of is the immense responsibility on my body and mind and that's just till I have the baby. I'm not even sure I'm going to make a half decent mother, let alone be a good selfless soul.

Other times, I strongly feel that I should bring up a child. Because it's a process which I see all around me to be extremely rewarding. Guiding a child to be a strong, self reliant adult in the future and nurturing them to be what they truly want to be. But in my day dreams, It's never my own child.

Then again, so what if it isn't? 

I admire my friends who have/are going to have/are planning to have children. They have a will of steel I don't know if I posses. I think instinct is overrated. In the end it's just their resolve and commitment that gets them through. 

Nothing is set in stone. Time and people I am with will facilitate change. Someday, I might get married and have children and contrary to my belief, be able to go through with parenthood. But the fear that I will not be as good a parent as I ought to will always be there at the back of my mind.

PS: I will, in the future wonder what made me write about this and just to remind me, I read this article about what a few famous women on TV and the movies had to say about why they didn't want/have children.