No kidding

I am 30 years old. Soon to be 31. Also, surrounded by friends and acquaintances who either have had/going to have/are planning to have children soon. 

I am not one of them. Needless to say, I'm not even married. Not even about to be. Not even planning yet.

I've often found asking my self if I wanted children. And most of the times, the answer is 'No'. I always thought I would be one to possibly adopt a child. Then one day at my friend's new born's barsa, another friend who was vehemently opposed to having children asked me if I was ever going to. I said I wasn't. But instantly added 'Accidentally ho gaya toh... I don't know.'

Sure it was funny and all, but it got me thinking. What did I really want? To have a child or to not have a child. I am, for sure- not at all comfortable at the thought carrying a child in me and giving birth, but then I'm sure no one really is. 

What I am afraid of is the immense responsibility on my body and mind and that's just till I have the baby. I'm not even sure I'm going to make a half decent mother, let alone be a good selfless soul.

Other times, I strongly feel that I should bring up a child. Because it's a process which I see all around me to be extremely rewarding. Guiding a child to be a strong, self reliant adult in the future and nurturing them to be what they truly want to be. But in my day dreams, It's never my own child.

Then again, so what if it isn't? 

I admire my friends who have/are going to have/are planning to have children. They have a will of steel I don't know if I posses. I think instinct is overrated. In the end it's just their resolve and commitment that gets them through. 

Nothing is set in stone. Time and people I am with will facilitate change. Someday, I might get married and have children and contrary to my belief, be able to go through with parenthood. But the fear that I will not be as good a parent as I ought to will always be there at the back of my mind.

PS: I will, in the future wonder what made me write about this and just to remind me, I read this article about what a few famous women on TV and the movies had to say about why they didn't want/have children.

Linkedin weirdness... In a warm, fuzzy (non creepy) kinda way.

I updated my linked profile a couple of years ago to include my previous part time venture of teaching swimming. I was a swimming instructor from 2002 (Started immediately after i appeared for my 12th standard board exams) till 2009. Not bad eh... for a student of architecture and later an architect working in a firm to find time to teach swimming for one hour every day? Considering we are always facing a time crunch, it was quite an achievement. 

After I started working on my own and travel increased, I stopped teaching.

I never thought adding this bit of my professional life on linkedin would amount to anything except for creating an impression on my contacts...

Till yesterday, when I received this email... 

My day was made :P

Update: For some reasons, I've deleted my linkedin account.

Mixed signs.

My mind sees what it wants to see. 

But if I were not me, what would I see? What would I feel about these 'Signs' that the universe is giving to me. Is the universe also giving me signs I wouldn't like but turn a blind eye to because I do not want to see them? 

But who would tell me that? 

Should anyone tell me that?

I am tired of signs. I don't want to believe in them anymore.

Under reinforced section

I was wondering if I should give a deep beam in a project so as to eliminate the Lintel beam  when I though I should read up on the under reinforced RCC section. In the image search, this is what popped up :P 

A dog trapped 'under reinforced concrete slab'

Made my day. The internet is funny. 

GAS LEAK YEAR

In the 'Community' universe, Season 4 which aired in 2013 was a gas leak year. It was because the characters weren't quite themselves and the situations were not as weird and meta and complex as before. The show was still loveable and since I was already invested in it so much, I had to live through it. 

But it was not just a gas leak year for Community. It was a gas leak year for me as well.

2012 had not ended quite so well for me personally. And with my health deteriorating, It made my life more than just a bit less exciting. Not good times. I fell very sick and the doctor couldn't diagnose what was wrong with me. So I was suffering. By June, I had lost too much weight and I was feeling too weak to do anything so decided to consult a different doctor. I got better soon, by my earlier treatment had left me with a lot of other ailments which really took a very long time and willpower to get through and heal. 

I was different. Not the same. Gas Leak Year. 

So how did I decide to write about it now? After half the year 2014 is already past me? It's because today, I was telling Vivek that I needed to upload photos from 2012 on flickr, but when I logged on, I realised that I had already uploaded it sometime in 2013. That's how bad 2013 was for me that I wasn't even able to recollect the photographs I had uploaded. 

Gas Leak Year.

On a more positive note, 2013 ended so much better than the previous year end. And 2014 started with some rather sweet surprises. And it keeps being so much more pleasant. Just like Community season 5 was... :D  

Reactions

Every year in college, the students participate in a week long design studio where they are divided into mixed groups from each year. This year, they were given a very unique design exercise. To REACT

Today we have become quite used to the scenario around us. The good, the bad and the mundane... we take it in our stride. We accept everything without blinking an eyelid.

A reaction to an urban space is what is expected. Which got me thinking: How many times do I give a reaction to things around me? How many times do I come across as a skeptic, a philistine, or an asshole if I do react? How many times have I told people that I have stopped reaction to traffic in Pune or the poverty I see around everywhere. Every time I see a homeless and helpless old man or woman I want to cry. Instead I just shake my head, accept it and move on.

But why must I move on? Why must I not react? Even though my reaction might not amount to anything why must I not make an attempt? 

After all this, I might still not react and live as blissfully inert as always. 

  

Clearing

Every once a while, I decide to rid my computer of excess stuff because of a space crunch. I realised that no matter how valuable anything seems when it's created, if you give it enough time it eventually becomes redundant.

I found a folder which I have time and again debated whether to keep or to delete. It's of no value to me being a folder of photographs from my ex boyfriends camera, but I wondered if a day came when he asked for those, and I didn't have them, would I appear to be a spiteful former lover whose heart is filled with so much hate that she didn't even considering asking him to take it away?

BUT then I thought that if he wanted those photos, he would have asked for them by now, seeing as it's been nearly two years since he called things off between us, and I am not bothered about what the world thinks about me anymore. So, I've deleted the folder, and any regrets about the said deed. 

While clearing I also came across some long forgotten stuff. For instance - this time I found a word document called 'freedom' and when I opened it, there were only these two lines typed in there:

"Freedom costs nothing. But only when you're born unshackled. 

The biggest and strongest shackles are those which come with being a flower child of the urban types."

 

I wonder what I was writing about and what it meant when I wrote it, but there's some truth to it. I shall remember someday...

Fruity weekend

Last weekend was a "Karm kar, phal ki chinta mat kar" weekend.

it all started on Saturday morning when I went for a site visit at Girivan, 40 kms from Pune. I plucked loads of Jamun fruits. They were small but tasty! Also, I plucked many Karvanda fruits abundantly available there for everyone to eat. These sweet and tangy little perishable berries are found on the hills in the western ghats and it's rare to get these in the city. 

The next morning, my friends and I went for an early morning drive to my friends farmhouse near Panshet. They have Safed Jaam trees growing there and we feasted on this low hanging fruit. It was so easy to pluck, we filled our bags with them! 

And as I came home, I found that my aunt had sent us a big box full of Alphonso mangoes from her own family owned orchards! 

And it ended on a wonderful note when my friend got me a box strawberries from Mahabaleshwar!

 I am so lucky! :D

Born free

My friend recently informed us that she was expecting a child soon! This was great news and we had to meet. So she invited us to an event that was organised by the NGO she works for. 

After the wonderful bharathnatyam performance, we were outside the venue chatting and she was telling us about how hospitals charge a lot for delivering babies. The discussion was about how over the ages hospitals have charged and how their mothers told them about how much they had to pay then versus how much their children will have to pay for it. 

That time, i had an epiphany and said: 'I was born in a Military Hospital and I was born for free'

Born free! Yea baby!      

Lyrids/Sleepless nights

I slept late last night. It was quite cool and the sky was clear. The moon was setting and as I got into my blanket on my terrace and looked up, I saw a fireball move across the north east part of the sky and I was thrilled! 

That made me lose any little bit of sleep remaining and I searched the internet for any possible meteor showers this time of the year, as I remembered the Lyrid showers from a few years ago. The internet told me that the showers were to officially start on 16th of April and would peak on 21st. So I know what to do those few nights - stay awake and look at the sky! :D 

Then I remembered this blog post I wrote two years ago about the Lyrids... I am super lucky to witness such events!   

Srilankans

It's been three years since I bought my current bike And I was pretty excited about it. So decided to text Revati and she asked me what happened to the 'Sri lankan'...

Obviously she was referring to my previous bike - The Sri Lankan made Lumala Platina.(She got married before I switched my bike, hence the disconnect with which bike I currently rode.) Pretty bike that was. And I told her it was with my cousin who uses it very well indeed.

But when She said 'Sri Lankan', It triggered a whole different memory about the time when I was in Auroville, and met a very good looking Sri Lankan guy. I Had a crush on him and I though he liked me as well. But he wasn't there long enough for anything to happen. 

Apparently, Revati remembers me talking about him. Also, she reminded me that even though we were in touch, he stopped replying once I told him that I was planning to take a trip to Sri Lanka. 

Such a bummer, right? :P 

But i've got a huge silly grin on my face, and can't stop thinking about the two aforementioned Sri Lankans :D

Yesterday will forever be known as the day I managed to lock myself out of my house!

I was out with my friends till midnight and didn't want to go home, but I went anyway. I found that my neighbour had locked the main entry to our building thinking that I was home already, and my folks were fast asleep to hear the phone ring. 

So I called up Pooja, and spent the night at her place. 

But when I reached home at midnight and realised what situation I had gotten myself into, I couldn't help but laugh :P 

That was fun

Recurring dreams

Our subconscious is such a wonder. It conveys through dreams feelings, thoughts and problems through highly cryptic messages. Sometimes one off and sometimes recurring. I've had a few recurring themes in my dreams.

The first prominent one I remember was from when I was four years old. About a strange man dressed like a joker and an evil peacock trying who weren't directly after me, but I sensed an undercurrent of fear of them taking me away from my mother. 

A few times I dreamt about not being able to run at all in a race. My legs just felt heavy. 

Now a days, I am able to run. I still can't overtake everyone, but am at par with most. 

As I grew older in my late teens, I had recurring dreams about dinosaurs. They were always after me with glowing red eyes and sometimes they would breathe fire too. I always managed to have close encounters with them but always got away.

While I was studying architecture in college, my dreams were mostly about the current design I was working on. mostly about drafting and finishing my work. In real life, I've always had a problem with finishing a project on time. 

The most disturbing recurring theme in my dreams till date has been about air crafts crashing as soon as they take off. It was prevalent during my mid 20s. I was always an onlooker, and never one on board. Initially, they always crashed behind a hill or beyond buildings, so I would never get to see the actual crash. Once even managed to go close to the aircraft after I saw it crashed. Then one day, I saw the aircraft take off while I was at the air traffic control room and subsequently crash and stop just meters away from me. But I was rooted to the spot. Never moved. I've not had any such dreams since then. 

Since my father passed away, I've dreamt of him a few times still alive, but unwell. I love the fact that he's still with me, but hate the fact that he's not how he used to be. I'd lost a young cousin many years ago and she's there as well, but frail and without her innocence, beauty and spirit.

A few times, I was naked in my dreams. Vulnerable - for the world to see. I saw myself that way again in my dream yesterday. I felt totally exposed and helpless. Yet didn't break down. 

I cannot express myself in words or actions in life so many times. I want to but never can Something stops me. Last night as well - I wanted to, but couldn't. And today morning, my subconscious let me know that I need to.