Bare it all.

In what is usually not a great look for me, I decided to wear my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there yesterday. The success rate for such things for me is 50% but that statistic isn’t saying much since I’ve only done it twice before with contrasting results. However, It feels slightly difference this time... while the previous two efforts (and I mean that word literally) were a result of the follows: quite a lot of calculated deliberation, exasperation, then tepid confidence, and finally what felt like a short but botched up actual response. Bleh. This time it was impulsive. Early. And I don’t feel stupid for feeling so vulnerable afterward. It may just be age (and the cynicism that comes with it) that’s not playing havoc with my sense of self and in reality making me feel far less embarrassed than I should. But here I am finding myself baring a part of my soul for someone to see, seemingly knowing what they would feel, yet deep down also knowing that maybe I don’t quite know what they feel? Am I tossing and turning in bed, waiting for a response? No. And am I skeptical? Yes. Am I ready for disappointment? Oh... much more than I used to be used to. Now If that ain’t growth, I don’t know what is.

Short hair, don't care.

I've had short hair since the year 1999. And by short, I mean shoulder length and shorter. Just that one time in 2007 that I grew it slightly lower than my shoulder and recently in mid 2019 when I was too lazy to get a haircut. But post lockdown four, I desperately wanted to get a haircut even though my hair wasn't falling below my shoulders. Salons were up and running with strict guidelines so I decided to get a haircut before another ten day lockdown was announced and salons would close again.

This is the shortest haircut I have ever gotten yet. And to be honest, the cutest I think! The hairdresser called Prince used all the tools he had: All kinds of scissors, blades and trimmers and he worked on it for an hour, to give me the most fabulous pixie cut and I think I'll keep this style for a while now that I have a neck and just a single chin!

Because its high humidity monsoon days and my hair are ever so slightly wavy, the longer ones are already twirling at the ends. But I like it! The older I get, the shorter I want my hair to be... but maybe not shorter than this. I think my hair today is the best it's been in the last ten years and that's saying a lot. Never thought I'd have hair updates here. Especially since I've had a complicated hair situation for a huge period of my life till now. That's a story for another post. For now, my neck if free, head considerably lighter and no need to carry ties for pony tails all the time!

Filed under: Feeling cute might delete later.

Loss III

The good kinds, for a change... Yes, I'm talking about weight, baby! Since the beginning of the year I have- through a reset in lifestyle, optimum eating and consistent exercise schedule, lost about twelve kilos of body weight. No small feat this...

And the best result of all the exercise, good food and (still mildly sporadic but better) sleep is that I'm feeling very optimistic these days despite the 2020 situation. Of course it's a terrible time for the world, and it's going to get worst, but hey... silver linings. The world has moved online and so have my  Yoga classes. I attended our teacher's fabulous sports yoga session today and I was sent a screenshot of my Zoom window as I was going into Urdhva Dhanurasan. The pose isn't perfect in this screen grab, but I love this photo. It radiates energy! Shared it with Revati and she said she didn't recognise me! We haven't met since much before the first Covid 19 lock-down after all. Feels like it happened during a different life completely but the last time I was this light was back in 2013, after I fell sick and lost weight drastically (then recovered and gained all that weight back... and some more.) The difference is that I felt and looked like a ghost then whereas now, I look like a happier version of me. (If you're wondering why the zoom window says Cam Guru, my Yoga teacher calls me that because I sometimes help him with camera and photography related things.)

On the personal front, my aim is to keep up this active lifestyle, perfect a few yoga poses and lose another 4-5 kilos till the end of this year. And things are looking up for me! As for the situation of the rest of the world... Well lets see, shall we?

Methane

What autocorrect corrects my name to. Still quite some time for AI to take over.

First contact

Have you heard the saying “No plan survives first contact with the enemy.” (Of course it’s a paraphrased version of an old timey military leader’s quote but this sounds so much cooler )

I’m in a situation where I tried something after years of resisting it and it sort of gave results without much effort and I’m trying to convince myself that it can’t be right because it was just too easy and convenient. Like a plot point in a poorly written movie that relies too much on convenient coincidences. Things don’t just happen that conveniently IRL. And especially not for me! Noooo... I’ve worked hard in the past to make coincidences happen and even then there’s no guarantee that it’ll go my way eventually. So colour me cynical if I’m taking this with a grain (nay, a shaker full) of salt.

It’s just a matter of time before this goes poorly, and results in some inconvenient heartache... I’d like to think I’m used to it by now, but it’s still as wondrous as the first time I experienced it. It’s been a while (years) since I’ve put myself out there and I’m trying to soften the impact of the inevitable gut punch that usually comes with it.

Watch this space, maybe?

BPM

It’s 02:38 and I’m still awake thanks to some really noisy bats currently living in the trees surrounding my house. It might also be because of the tall glass of cold coffee I had after dinner (I swear I’d given up coffee after 18:00 on weekdays but I couldn’t resist it today.) Anyway, I’m awake. Nothing else to do. So about half an hour ago, I decided to measure my resting heart rate. Fun! My grandmother has a high heart rate but she’s active and healthy, so the doctor was never too worried. I remember her counting her resting heart rate two to three times a day till she finally gave up worrying about it a decade ago. I think that might have brought her resting heart rate down a few beats, but who knows...

So I’ve counted five times till now and the results were as follows: 60, 60, 59, 60, 61. So my mean resting heart rate is 60. It was about 68 till a couple of months ago. But March has been exceptional and so has April till now. Ever since covid-19 social distancing and the subsequent lockdown, I’ve been working out more than ever. Less Netflix (and other streaming), more reading and house work. And then there’s that little bit of office work to finish too. Overall, I feel... not too bad. I tire myself out and sleep by 22:30 (today being the exception. Thank you, bats) which gives me less time to think and overthink the shit show that’s about to hit us soon.

After the second half of 2019 and beginning of 2020 feeling ill and weak, I was tired of feeling anxious, mildly depressed and generally pitying myself. Regaining my strength and stamina felt like the only natural thing to do. My body would heal slowly. It’s not yet at a 100% and I still have to iron out a few ailments in consultation with my doctor, but I think I’m on my path to normalcy. Ironically, this covid-19 lockdown - however terrible it may be for the world and me eventually, couldn’t have come at a better time for my health. How sic is that? (See what I did there?)

And the bats are still at it. Sigh...
Edit: they say that the best time to check for resting heart rate was just after one woke up. So I woke up at 06:40 (thank you loud shrill birds) and checked my heart rate five minutes later. 55!

No confidence motion.

Today for some reasons, my confidence took a real beating. And the sadness just came out in waves. After a rather long time I felt like I should cry and let my emotions get the better of me. But I realised I can’t even cry properly anymore. And the hurt... it just hangs there. In limbo. And there’s nothing much one can do about it but carry on with ones life. Trying to pick up the pieces and hoping one can get back at least parts of the the lost confidence one worked so hard to get.
I often find myself wondering why people are so intent on hurting me so much. What must have I done to deserve this? There is no answer. It is what it is. There is however tremendous pain. There is an intense and indescribable heart ache and loneliness which i simply need to deal with all on my own.
Just takes one bad interaction with one person to make me feel so much. Who knew? Well... I did. Deep down I did.

Middle of the night rant

Ugh why do I have my most brilliant thoughts late at night just as I’m about to sleep? Yea you may say my thoughts aren’t brilliant but it’s all subjective, isn’t it?!

But my point is, once I have the said brilliant thought I keep building on it in my mind, and I’m activated and recharged instead of falling asleep and it usually keeps me awake till early in the morning sometimes! And then when I wake up, I’m almost late for everything and the idea takes a backseat and then I’m not enthusiastic anymore. So I finally feel like okay I’ll be able to turn in early tonight and least get some decent sleep but then I fucking have a urge to write about it and fucking stay awake till I complete this blogpost and then proofread in this state and I have an early start tomorrow AAARGH! I CBAIIT TOAKW IT ANHMOR!

Jams

We're in a jam many jams. My country... all countries. Maybe even the whole of humanity. Some of us are in a jam jams more than others are and it’s a rather sticky situation to be in one... "But I like jams" do I hear you say? Of course you do... they're delicious! But jam jams like most good things in life have to be had in tiny portions. And preferably with other good things. This country is in a jam jams of it's own making. And they're not good ones, you see. Besides... who likes all jams together? I know I don't... almost nobody I know does.
The point of this post is not to comment on the jam jams we are in currently, but to share a jam jams of my own making (which turned out to be really good ones for a change.)
Geographically, it's winter in this part of the world (yep, go ahead roll your eyes if you live away from the tropics)... The season of strawberries from Mahabaleshwar (and surroundings) and they're a very popular fruit. But it's also the season for a lesser known yet equally potent fruit - the Mulberry! I love mulberries. I've loved mulberries since my childhood spent in various parts of the country. And these mulberries were mostly plucked fresh off of trees growing randomly in cantonments I've lived in. I've used them to flavour (and colour) cakes and ice creams, and lately to sketch with it’s lovely purple stain.

So about a month ago, I bought some mulberries (I now live in a dense urban area and mulberry trees with mulberries for the picking are hard to come by) when I had an epiphany. "Why don't I make a jam out of these beautiful, dark and juicy mulberries?" I thought... And honestly, at first only for the colour. But then the idea of combining flavours of mulberries, sugar and lemon did intrigue me further. Partly mashed some mulberries and let it cook in it's own juice for five minutes, then added 1/2 it's volume in sugar and the juice of half a lemon. Reduced the liquid to a jam like consistency, let it cool, bottled it and because there's no preservative in it- kept it in the fridge (I hear it lasts up to six months if refrigerated.) Ate it with toast, and later with some vanilla ice cream and believe you me... with each bite, I was in temporary heaven. So I went ahead and made another batch of mulberry jam a couple of days later and some strawberry jam with fresh(ish) strawberries today. Such beautiful, vibrant looking delectable jams that make me forget the metaphorical jam jams we're in. This and occasional knitting (Yea, there's another blogpost coming.)

Now... if only the other jam jams we are in were more like this one.

Damp squib

It’s 2019 and global warming is upon us. And as predicted by a lot of environmental scientists, we’re in for a globally wet period (Glaciers and permafrost are melting, hot dang of course we are!) Here in Pune we’ve finally had the rain warnings and schools and public institution closure and advisories to the general public not to step out. The rain has been relentless and I haven’t seen even a bit of sunshine for more than a month. And damn do I miss it. This is normally how Pune’s rains are: bits of sun amidst spells of constant but not too heavy showers. But we left normal behind a few years ago. These days I feel damp all the time, things don’t dry fast and my toes feel constantly moist! I mean... I prefer my toes to be as dry as possible.

Okay so I want the rain too, obviously. But it’s been too long since I saw even tiny amount of sunshine and if I’m not going to be able to get a glimpse of it soon, what I would want in return is a fucking fireplace (with real crackling flames and glowing embers) so that I can feel dry for even a brief moment! (Also, have you ever thought of how comforting the sound of crackling flames can be?) On second thoughts, what am I really complaining about?... Pune isn’t flooded. It’s just been raining a lot.  But I cant help bit wonder if it’s not next on the flooding list. Also... I really do genuinely love the rains and just wish I had someone to share my damp squib mood this damp squib season with.

Deflating

I draw occasionally and enjoy it. Comics, sketches, watercolour etc etc. Ive always enjoyed it since I remember. And I particularly liked drawing during inktober 2017 and 18. My drawings are fun and lighthearted and people want to see them in person when they visit me. So I thought it was a good idea to show my drawings to keep my my five year old nephew entertained for a bit when visited last weekend. I thought he too would like them.

But the moment I showed him the first two, he said they were 'nice' and it felt like he wanted to move on to something else. Instead, I persisted and showed him two more. He quickly cut in and said "They're all nice but enough now."

Trust kids to cut one's ego to size!

It’s electric!

Three years ago, my mum and I decided to sell our old reliable Maruti 800 to a mechanic who in the past had offered to buy it from us whenever we decided to get rid of it. He thought it was a really good car even though it didn’t have air conditioning or a fifth gear.

So we had a buyer.

But we didn’t just want to sell it off, we also wanted to buy a new car. And since we were in 2016 I put my foot down and said that if we needed to buy a car it should be electric or we shouldn't buy a car at all. If it were all my money I would have bought it in a heartbeat, but I had to convince my mother who was part sponsor and also majorly sceptical about it. One thing working for us was that we both wanted a small car. Not just a small car but the smallest available. And we both weren’t interested in buying a Tata nano. So it only took her a little bit of coercion and a test drive.

So the Reva e2o

It was the only small electric vehicle one could buy in the country in 2016. So here it was. The cutest zippy little noiseless car with two doors (The last of the two door lot apparently.) I drove it wherever I could. To my work sites and college 30 kms away or even in the local area. I pushed it to it's limits, got over range anxiety (It's a real thing, believe me) and added another thing to charge in my life (Phone, computer, etc etc) Oh and it also needs a software update every once in a while and most troubleshooting happens remotely. Such a fun little car! And now, I've driven ten thousand electric kilometres in it already! Yay!

Productivity goals

I like listening to music while I'm working and I encourage others at work to listen to music too. I bought a good set of speakers for office because I believe productivity increases with good music playing in the background. Today, I introduced our new intern to the set of speakers connected to his computer and now he's spending more deciding the playlist and switching between tracks than working.

Own goal.