No kidding

I am 30 years old. Soon to be 31. Also, surrounded by friends and acquaintances who either have had/going to have/are planning to have children soon. 

I am not one of them. Needless to say, I'm not even married. Not even about to be. Not even planning yet.

I've often found asking my self if I wanted children. And most of the times, the answer is 'No'. I always thought I would be one to possibly adopt a child. Then one day at my friend's new born's barsa, another friend who was vehemently opposed to having children asked me if I was ever going to. I said I wasn't. But instantly added 'Accidentally ho gaya toh... I don't know.'

Sure it was funny and all, but it got me thinking. What did I really want? To have a child or to not have a child. I am, for sure- not at all comfortable at the thought carrying a child in me and giving birth, but then I'm sure no one really is. 

What I am afraid of is the immense responsibility on my body and mind and that's just till I have the baby. I'm not even sure I'm going to make a half decent mother, let alone be a good selfless soul.

Other times, I strongly feel that I should bring up a child. Because it's a process which I see all around me to be extremely rewarding. Guiding a child to be a strong, self reliant adult in the future and nurturing them to be what they truly want to be. But in my day dreams, It's never my own child.

Then again, so what if it isn't? 

I admire my friends who have/are going to have/are planning to have children. They have a will of steel I don't know if I posses. I think instinct is overrated. In the end it's just their resolve and commitment that gets them through. 

Nothing is set in stone. Time and people I am with will facilitate change. Someday, I might get married and have children and contrary to my belief, be able to go through with parenthood. But the fear that I will not be as good a parent as I ought to will always be there at the back of my mind.

PS: I will, in the future wonder what made me write about this and just to remind me, I read this article about what a few famous women on TV and the movies had to say about why they didn't want/have children.